Team of the Tournament

Now I could sit here and bore you with my World Cup XI which will look just as similar to every other pundits team. So here instead are my 11 players who have given me the most joy during the last month.

Tim Howard

Now this one is for selfish reasons. You see when I wrote out my World Cup Guide for work I made a typo and wrote ‘Time Howard’ instead of ‘Tim.’ Since then I have referred to the Yank shot stopper as Time and have grown ever so fond of him. Time is something of a national hero here, hailed as the one genuinely World Class player the US had. In a country where defensive plays regularly are hailed as ‘plays of the day’ he became an icon for the nation. Once the press over here got hold of old newspapers showing how The British papers had treated Time when his battle with turrets came to the fore they loved him even more. Then of course he had one of those ‘he’ll be disappointed with that’ moments against Ghana and everyone over here remembered The Yankees were on the other channel and that LeBron was still a free agent. Still, he looked good in Nike’s luminous orange goalie kit.

Winston Reid

C’mon, who didn’t love New Zealand? Who didn’t get emotional when the fantastically monikered Winston scored at the death to give his country their first ever points in a World Cup? Reid was just one of many Kiwi’s with a fantastic name, and an honorable mention goes to Shane Smeltz who misses out on my 11 despite having an equally great name. The sight of young Winston running shirtless towards a band of Kiwi travelers because he had just equalized against Slovakia is what the World Cup is all about.

Carlos Puyol

He’s not in here for his bullet header against the Germans, more for his actions afterwards. You see The Queen herself (the Spanish one, not ours) has made the trip to South Africa and after Spain made their first ever final she decided to make an impromptu trip to the dressing room to congratulate the lads. After what seemed like an age of awkward clapping she shook every squad members hand, but where was Puyol? Out stepped the brilliant curly hair of captain fantastic, he had just emerged from the shower and was now shaking the Queen of Spain’s hand with just a small towel hiding his modesty, he looked as untroubled by the whole thing as Germany were by England.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXDT6sptO9c

John Terry

Now let me put this out there, I think JT is an odious git. He did however produce two great World Cup moments. The first was his salmon dive during England v Slovenia prompting hoots of laughter in pubs up and down the country. The second is his now famous press conference where he self destructed and got all Lionhearted claiming he would confront Capello about his tactics. Capello then of course shot down his former captain and JT was made to look oh so stupid. The press conference itself was utterly ludicrous and is perhaps England’s only decent moment of the World Cup, providing the world with someone to laugh at.

Patrice Evra

At least England weren’t as bad as the French! We all know the story by now and by god it was entertaining. Evra was at the fulcrum of the players strike so he makes my team. As tears rolled down his cheek during the French national anthem many thought he was overcome with pride, hindsight tells us that Patrice was probably upset that France still had one more game to play after the Mexico debacle. However crazy John Terry seemed, the batshit mentallness of the French was one of the funniest things at the tournament.

Mark Van Bommel

The man with a force field around him. Immune to yellow cards. I’m not going to lie, I was disappointed when he was finally booked after committing 7000 fouls prior to his yellow card against Uruguay. It’s been a joy to watch the old man hurtle around the pitch taking out tippy tappy players and escaping scott free. It would appear referees develop Wengeritus when the Dutch play as nobody ever seems to see Van Bommel raking his studs across another players testicles.

Keisuke Honda

Purely in for the headlines ‘Honda drives Japan to victory.’ Luckily he’s a bit good as well and made a mockery of the Jubulani ball theory by tonking in as sweet a free kick as you will see against Cameroon (how bad were they!?). Also has the classic Japanese look of dyed Orange hair a la a 14 year old boy going all rebellious and using his Mum’s Sun In on his head and it not quite working. Honda was actually great to watch too and had Japan made the quarters would probably have made FIFA’s actual team of the tournament.

Siphiwe Tshabalala

He’s got to be in here really doesn’t he. A cult figure if ever there was one, scored a great goal, has a funny name and basterdized the Macarena to celebrate his goal. Also Martin Tyler actually sung his name in one of the stranger moments of ESPN’s coverage. Siphiwe also has the unique skill of playing playground football in a World Cup, shooting on sight just because he scored one good goal early on. I love him, and were his name not so long I’d have it printed on a South Africa kit.

Alex Sanchez

The World Cup offers one of the greatest joys in a football fans life, seeing players you bought on Football Manager actually play. Sanchez is one of those players. Many teams have been built around the flying Chilean in the virtual world of Football Manager, so to actually watch him play was great. He also had a touch of the Tshabalala’s about him and played a brand of playground football. He was always running into cul de sac’s but it was so fun to watch him play with such enthusiasm nobody seemed to begrudge the fact that only about 50% of everything he did came off.

Asamoah Gyan

One of the things I love about football is squad numbers. Who will wear the coveted number 10? Which keeper will get number 1? And other burning questions. So when Asamoah rocked up wearing number 3, despite him being a striker, my head almost exploded. Other than squad number tomfoolery, Gyan provided me with the outstanding moment of the World Cup, those last few minutes against Uruguay when he crashed his penalty onto the bar. He saved me $80 though, had he scored I had already convinced myself to run out and buy a Ghana shirt with Gyan 3 on the back.

Luis Suarez.

Booooooo. Everyone loves a villain and by god did we get one. If you had to look at all the players in the World Cup and pick one that looks like he could be a hate figure for an entire continent Suarez would probably have been up there with most due to his rat like features and bad skin. Before Handballgate (everything has a gate these days) little Luis was having a decent World Cup. But now he will be remembered by most for his cat like skills on the goal line and the images of him celebrating will long live on. He provided drama, debate and heartache, for that Luis I thank you.

My World Cup Highlights

We all knew this day was coming, but nothing can really prepare you for the empty hollow feeling that engulfs your body when that day finally arrives. Today was the day, the first day in 2 and a half weeks without football on T.V. Like a junkie I have been looking for a fix on the internet, outside seedy bars, on the street, hell I even tried to watch an MLS game to ease the pain but alas I am left cold and unsatisfied.
I took this as a sign that it was time to reflect so here are my personal World Cup Highlights so far.

Katlin McGrath crying when USA lost to Ghana. It wasn’t seeing Katlin upset that was so exhilarating, more the fact that she would perhaps understand my own frustration with the England team now she had been let down by this beautiful sport. I tell you something if she wants to be a QPR fan she better get used to that feeling.

One slow day during the big match that was Paraguay versus Slovakia an elderly woman suantered into the restaurant and looked at the screen for about 2 minutes. She then asked me who was playing, I told her. She paused, thought for a second before enquiring ‘What was the Israel score yesterday?’ I had to explain to her that Israel wasn’t in the World Cup. She told me that she thought it was a World Cup and that surely Israel should therefore be involved, she then decided there lack of inclusion was a glowing beacon of racism. She was so entertaining I decided not to correct and agreed with her wholeheartedly.

Working at 7am is never fun. It’s even less fun if you make no money because FIFA arranged all the glamour games to be played later in the day. So when I awoke at 6:30 to serve (I assumed) no people whilst North Korea and Portugal battled it out I wasn’t happy. I ranted and raved to the manager that nobody was coming in because it’s not like any North Koreans are allowed to leave the country. In a huff I began setting up the restaurant. I heard a tapping at the window where a small, disheveled Korean looking woman was standing. I opened the doors and she climbed up on a bar stool, surely not!? Before I knew she was joined by more Korean women and there Portuguese friends to watch the game. Kim Jung-Il must have let a couple of devotees slip under the radar.

I have, over the last couple of weeks, bonded with the back of house staff at work. The Mexican cooks, the Nigerian delivery guy and many more. However Mamadou, the Senegalese line chef has become my personal favorite. He often predicts the wrong score and always tells me England should do better, but he just bloody loves football so I bloody well love him. One slow day I found a football in a drawer at work, pulled it out and started having a kick about in the empty restaurant. Mamadou emerged from the kitchen and asked me if I played. I told him I wasn’t great, Mamadou said he hadn’t ever really played 11 a side football. He then proceeded to nick the ball off me and produce 50 kick ups on his left foot before producing another 20 on his right. He then trapped the ball passed it to me and told me to try, I managed 7. I blame the FA.

So I await Friday morning with baited breath. I have the day off as I assumed England might make it the the Quarters and am ready for more football festivities. I am of course yet to miss a game and have perfected the art of napping through the sound of a vuvuzela during some of the more laborious fixtures. Football, bloody hell.

12 Musings on England Germany

- It seems not only England players freeze in tournaments but Managers too. Capello's tactics throught the tournament have been questionable to say the least. Every man and his dog knew Germany had two superb players in Muller and Ozil who play in the hole. The decision to not play an extra midfielder from Capello was a huge mistake, to then decide not to play King (a player who has played as a defensive midfielder and might... just might have closed the hole down) ahead of Upson was an even bigger one. The selection today smacked of arrogance, and this from a fan who has been a Capello supporter from day 1.

- To hide behind the ghost goal would be foolish, England were dire today. However at 2-2 having rallied back it might have been a different game, we will never know. It's in the past now and if the players and management think they can focus on that specific flashpoint as the game changer then they are seriously offending the intelligence of the average football fan, and that's saying something.

- In 2000, 2002, 2004, 2006 and now 2010 I have watched England drop out of a major international tournament with Mr. Dylan Viner by my side. The others were all a result of glorious failure, today was just failure.

- We can only but pray this brings the curtain down on 'The Golden Generation.' This group of players just doesn't have the psyche to win a tournament. They have risen to prominence in the era of the WAG and celebrity to the point where they don't need an England win. Yes they are hurting right now, I don't doubt that, but when that cheque comes through for thousands of pounds on monday morning it might ease the pain.

- And so what next for this team and manager? Does Capello stay on or resign? Does he persist with a group of players who freeze in tournaments? Does he change captains? Does anyone have the balls to make a change?

- Let's not kid ourselves, Ghana would have beaten us too. They were fast, played 451 and worked as a team. This England group went out in exactly the fashion deserving of them, embarrassed by a better team.

- Oh for David James to have played against the US and maybe instilled some confidence from the start. His international career ends today one must think. He always did OK for England in the absence of a world class keeper. David Seaman he was not, but he was better than anyone else we tried after the mustachioed one retired.

- Wayne Rooney was so unfit it was hard to watch. I don't begrudge Man U for rushing him back from injury, they pay his wages. But had he not had blistering club and country form interrupted by injury then who knows what type of tournament he could have had. The stats speak for themselves now, 7 games in a World Cup 0 goals. Emile Heskey has scored 1.

- This is as much as a wake up call as the loss to Croatia. England played antiquated football, the kick and rush style mocked by Beckenbauer a few weeks ago. How right he was. How many times do we have to watch our centre backs hoof the ball aimlessly forward in hope rather than with a purpose. So few players looked comfortable on the ball it was embarrassing.

- Truth be told, when SWP and Heskey plodded onto the pitch we may as well have been watching a Sven led England side crash out the tournament. It's amazing to look back now and realize that the Swede managed to get the best out of this group of players far more than an Englishman or a decorated Italian could.

- Picking famous players over those that could do a job was a downfall. When Barry was obviously struggling with the pace there was nobody on the bench Capello could stick on to shore things up. Yes Scott Parker isn't a fancy name, but he might have just sat there and made some tackles. That being said the way West Ham players have performed at this World Cup you would worry.

- Joe Hart, Glen Johnson John Terry Chris Smalling Kieran Gibbs, James Milner Jack Rodwell Jack Wilshere, Adam Johnson Theo Walcott, Wayne Rooney........ See you all in Brazil (assuming we qualify)

12 musings from England v Slovenia

There’s a phrase in football called ‘show me your medals’ and Fabio Capello quite simply has the most impressive collection in the England dressing room. Today we saw why. He didn’t pander to the press and the nation calling for Joe Cole’s inclusion and Rooney alone upfront, he instead put in Milner (who would offer more protection to Johnson) and Defoe. England scored one goal today, Milner set it up and Defoe scored. Fabio I’m sure can afford a wry smile at that.

Hello Wayne Rooney, nice of you to join us. Let’s continue this improvement please because believe it or not we have a tough route to the final now and you just may be important.

So we slip into the tough half of the draw, my opinion is so what. 4 years ago the last 16 match against Ecuador was dull and dreary and not exactly memorable bar Beckham throwing up on the pitch. This time round we might face Ze Germans. Imagine.... just imagine the feeling if we beat them as oppose to limping through with a 1-0 win over Ghana. My prediction, beat Ze Germans on penalties then watch Rooney punch in the winner v Argentina.

My god John Terry is a prick of a man, but let’s get one thing straight, he and Ashley Cole (also a prick) have been our best players of the tournament so far. His salmon like dive was not only hilarious but also demonstrated that he will put his body on the line.

A doff of the cap to David James. He looked comfortable every time he was called upon and obviously inspires confidence in his back 4. Should have played against the Yanks and who knows how different our tournament would have been if he had.

Joe Cole quite frankly did nothing. I know it was a cameo and I know we shouldn’t expect too much but after the clamouring for him from the press you would have thought he was Marradona, Pele and Bobby Moore all rolled into one.

There’s going to be a hell of a lot of England flags at USA’s next game. Let’s hope they can do the old ticket switcheroonie because I’m sure very few people predicted England to come 2nd in a relatively easy group. On the subject of the Yanks, well done. Today they felt the true thrill of the greatest sport in the world. Still the lead story on ESPN was some American Footballer charged with rape. Seems that being a scumbag transcends all sports.

As usual we save our best performances for a game on BBC. It’s like the players hate adverts and love Gary ‘golf course’ Lineker. Thank god the BBC have the rights to all of England’s knock out games, phew!

Stuart Pearce is the greatest glorified cheerleader ever. He just sits there and shouts ‘C’mon England’ before whipping out his book and telling a sub to copy what Fabio drew. It’s brilliant. It’s like they gave a special needs kid the chance to sit on the bench with Fabio.

We’ve read a lot about how poor England have been but the fats speak for themselves, we have conceded one goal all tournament, a freak goal at that. This defence, despite the changes is looking pretty solid so far. My only concern is a lack of a genuine holding midfielder when we come up against better teams, oh for a fit Hargreaves. Alas Fabio has some interesting decisions to make before the next game on Sunday.

If I have to read another Arsenal fan saying not taking Theo was a mistake I’ll shoot myself. I’m a QPR fan so I know about delusions of grandeur, but if you really think Walcott could have produced the cross Milner swung over for Defoe then you are out of your mind. With Lennon and Joe Cole as impact players there, quite rightly, is no place for Theo in the squad.

Let’s hope Gareth Barry returns to full fitness fast. He tired dramatically as the game drew on and the fact we have an extra days rest ahead of Sunday might be a godsend for the most boring man on the team.

Crisis, what crisis?

Judgement day had arrived. I was up early in order to do my first nerve poo of the day, this was going to be hell. The night before I had told Katlin I was too nervous to see her, she promised not to judge me. I had thought I would be watching England with Mr. Viner, however a meeting at midday crippled that idea so I could either watch alone or take myself off to a bar to watch the game. Bar it was.

Central bar was the arena where the drama would unfold. Of course 95% of New York was watching the USA game so the England fans were huddled away in an upstairs room with a projector which semi worked. I straight away found some ‘brothers’ 6 young Jewish boys with whispy beards and England flags. I decided now wasn’t the time to discuss Zionism, we sung Three Lions instead.

Sitting next to me was a drunk Dad on holiday who had managed to steal away from the wife for a couple of hours whilst she passed the time shopping in Bloomingdales, women are so predictable. It became clear early on that he was one of those annoying beasts, a fair weather England fan, one that only comes out for the World Cup and offers such insight to the game as ‘Defend Terry!’ or ‘Just shoot Rooney.’ Thankfully the Jews knew their stuff and so to did the Liverpool fan sitting on my right. His mate had come straight out of the ‘chundered everywhare’ video and his obvious preferance for Rugby was clear. He was game however and sang a rousing chorus of God Save The Queen.

Much had been made of England wearing all red, the thing was the projector was so bad that the colors all just merged together, it was as if the bar had been engulfed by a wave of color-blindness.

Just after the anthems a Mexican man decided to stand in front of the projector looking for someone who had ordered coffee, he was promptly told to fuck off.

And so onto the game, we all know what happened, and I’ll be doing 12 musings later this afternoon, needless to say get the fuck in!

As for the Yanks they are now well and truly hooked on this ‘soccerball’ thing. The noise when Landycakes scored the winner was deafening.

For those wondering why updates have been scarcer the reason is exhaustion. I have tuned my body to wake up at 7:30 for the first game so needless to say I am delighted thos pesky early games are done with. I won’t lie to you, Slovakia v Paraguay was very hard to stay awake through!

And so the Adventure continues. It looks like The Germans are coming.... don’t mention the war.

12 Musings on England 0-0 Algeria

- In 4 years nothing seems to have changed. The team are still slow, devoid of confidence and ideas. At least Sven's lot would nick a goal in the last few minutes and g out in the quarter finals. We still pander to stars (how did Gerrard, Lampard and Rooney all stay on the pitch!?) and believe the bullshit that comes out of the players mouths during press conferences.

- The Gerrard and Lampard debate will forever continue to rage on. My take on it is this.... If you have 2 world class Goalkeepers you wouldn't shoehorn one of them into the side, you would start one and leave one on the bench. England have 2 world class attacking central midfielders who play in the same position, therefore leave on the bench and one starting. Believe me bringing Gerrard/Lampard off the bench to win a game is better than Sean Wright-Phillips.

- Luckily I have been watching this World Cup from the USA, so the coverage provided by ESPN is fair and even. Reading the BBC and ITV websites makes me sick. The dismissal of 'lesser nations' such as Algeria is rooted in the English pysche of football when it has no right to be. When Gerrard declares that this was 'Algeria's cup final' he needs a slap. Why exactly Steve? What have we achieved in 40 years to make us feared?

- Sorry Wayne but fans that travel halfway across the world and pay thousands of pounds for a once in a lifetime oppertunity to watch a World Cup game have the right to let you know you played like a cold turd. I'm sure your millions of pounds will help ease those scars from booing.

- Capello must take some of the blame as well, for what I don't know.... none of us know. Bar Carragher this was the same team that ripped Croatia a new one in September. Something behind the scenes has changed. What, nobody knows. Has Terry's captaincy being taken away made a difference? Do the players resent Carragher making the squad? Was Walcott popular? Who knows. But one thing is for sure, something has changed and it has to be addressed.

- It's almost panic stations, but not yet. Win and we get out of the group. We managed it in '86 and '98 when it really mattered. The optimistic England fan in me believes we can still do it.

- The curse of the crap player who was shunned in England has struck again. Majid Bougherra, take a bow son, superb performance at the heart of defence.

- How telling was Heskey's face when he was subbed. What more could he have done? He won everything in the air but received absolutely no support. Wayne Rooney remaining on the pitch ahead of him was an embarrassment. He will continue to be lambasted for his international record but for me Heskey is asked to do a job and promptly does it.

- Does Fabio hate Joe Cole? Does Ian Wright have naked photos of the Don? regardless I can't for the life of me fathom the former Chelsea mans complete lack of game time.

- How costly that Robert Green error looks now. A tepid draw against the Algerians on the back of a 1-0 win over USA might have been acceptable, now advancing from the group will be an achievement.

- The lack of a young wildcard in the squad greatly depresses me. Despite Germanys failings today Ozil and co still look exciting, for England there is nothing new to look forward too. Adam Johnson was an unknown quantity that could have been considered over some of the failed members of this so called Golden Generation. How uninspiring did the England squad look today when it was all laid out? Fuck even a non playing Walcott offered some form of something to hope for.

- We didn't lose. It feels like it but we didn't. Qualification is still in our own hands. All we can do for now is hope and pray and thank God we don't have to watch the most boring team of the tournament again until Wednesday.

Factoids and Elephants

Opening night is always nervous and always eventful. The day started with one thing and one thing only, football. Holland v Denmark to be more precise, the plan was to watch the first half in bed at 7:30 then place my faith in the New York Subway to make it to a bar by the theatre for the second half before nipping off to a dress rehearsal.

The first half was easy to watch and as the whistle blew to finish the end of the 45 I rushed out with my bag packed and made it to the subway station in record time, then I waited for a train.... and waited and waited. The stupid fucking N train was making me miss the Oranje labor in the heat, grrrrrr. Once the train did arrive it was packed full of commuters and businessmen, I stood out like a ore thumb with my Shakespeare script and flip-flops.

The train pulled into Times Square I shoved past an old lady and pegged it to a bar called The Irish Rogue. I expected to be greeted by a wave of Orange Dutch fans, instead I saw 3 Englishmen in faded orange and a skinny waif like Irish bartender who looked like she needed a decent meal. I started to question why I was trying to watch all the games.

After another borefest at this World Cup I skipped off to my dress rehearsal. There was one problem, it looked like I would miss Cameroon v Japan (arguably the biggest game of the tournament) so I had to make a decision, did I miss the first half of the play to watch the game (all I do is a scene change, I’m not onstage until act 2) or do I stay and make my scene change. Well it turned out I was able to do both, I was able to employ members of the cast to text me when it was time for the scene change.

So I sat in the bar with an American man who was less knowledgeable about football than my Mum. The man was a fool/ Every single point he made was ridiculous and every ‘fact’ he wheeled out was so wide of the mark it made me feel sick. The football was shit too. Thank god my phone buzzed, I legged it upstairs and made the scene change. Alas the idiot and the useless football awaited me back in the bar, so with a heavy heart I trudged back to the bar for an assault on my eyes and ears from Cameroon, Japan and America’s favorite fact-finder.

The show itself went really well, yet funnier than some of Shakespeare’s finest work were the events that occurred at the theatre below me. There was a showcase for some high school kids who couldn’t grasp the concept of keeping quiet as our show was on. The kids were great comedy value though. After their first performance a slightly heavier teenager sat on the stage and started crying because she had messed up a song. Her friend (still in the closet) minced around her trying to make her feel better but her diva ways couldn’t be cured. She thumped up the stairs like a distressed Elephant and sulked in her dressing room. She then emerged and asked us what play we were doing ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ I replied, then with a knowing smile she looked at me and said ‘Shakespeare.’ Well of course it’s Shakespeare you tubby attention seeking whore!

Anyways by all accounts she seemed happier by the end of her second performance.

Back to the football now and Katlin has taken a shine to North Korea. Maybe it’s because I forced her to watch a documentary about the country at 2 in the morning when she wanted to sleep, maybe it’s their fake Chinese fans or maybe she has a thing for Asians, time will tell.

Sir Doctor Henry Mitchell (aka Jake Wiseman) arrives in a few hours to further help me with the challenge, some medical advice will be appreciated.

Isn't this Soccerball thing a lark

And so the story continues with silence. Saturday morning saw the two heavyweights of the competition battle it out, Greece and South Korea. My plan was to wake up and watch the game in bed, lovely. Once turning on the TV was met not with the sound of a thousand vuzuvela’s but the sound of silence. My cable provider had decided that the start of my World Cup adventure was a good time to fuck about with sound testing.

I rang technical support and was directed to an answerphone message where I yelled profanities that would have made Wayne Rooney blush to the automated machine. Ten minutes later the sound reappeared, thank you very much.

I won’t lie to you I may or may have dropped off a little for a schluf during the game, it was 7:30 am here after all. As my father so eloquently put it though ‘it’s hard to sleep with those horns’ quite.

A quick breakfast was followed by sitting down to watch Argentina v Nigeria and Diego Maradonna look like her just came from a funeral. I won’t talk about the game just that I watched it infront of my TV.

Katlin and I then went out for lunch. I refused to speak to her or hold her hand as I didn’t want to fraternize with the enemy, the word ‘unimpressed’ should probably be used to describe her mood.

I had invited a few people round to mine to watch the game and a couple had asked to bring mates along, no problem. I stocked the fridge with beers and filled side dishes with dips and snacks creating a spread that my Mother would have been proud of.

As the game got going slowly but surely the numbers grew and so did the amount of beer. By the end of the game my living room had 40 people in it and there wasn’t enough room in the fridge for any more beers.

After the game I needed to unwind so saw this as an oppertunity to drink the leftover beer with a few stragglers on the rooftop, needless to say by 8 I was shitfaced.

A quick deviation from my story to bring you the story of New York which was absolutely buzzing about the game. Ladies and gents, I think the Yanks just fell in love with football. The streets were full of England and USA fans singing, bars were packed out and our BBQ restaurant was the fullest it has ever been. Busier than the Superbowl, busier than the Kentucky Derby and busier than the Stanley Cup. Clint Dempsey adorns the front page of every single newspaper as their new hero.

That was Saturday, Sunday was my first World Cup day at work. I had to be there for 6:45 am as they showed the big one live, Algeria v Slovenia. I predicted that it wouldn’t be a big draw for the public, hell even I didn’t want to watch it. So the game kicked off and the TV’s blared out the pictures to an empty restaurant which I slowly set up. Half time still no goals, still no customers. At 9 the next waiter came in, but still no guests. The game finished without a soul in the restaurant.

Suddenly a flurry of activity..... guests!? No, other servers turning up for their shift. A couple of people then sat at the bar for Serbia V Ghana, I just watched the game with Mamadou our Senegalese line cook.

And so the clock ticked over to 12 and the regular brunch shift started, I had served not a soul for the football. A decision was made to send me home if no one turned up for the Aussie’s v Krauts. The omens were good as the books were low. My section sat empty until 10 minutes before the game when Americans, with a new found love for the game, decided that they had had such a good time watching yesterday at the restaurant that they would come back for more. I was sat 8 tables at once and walked out of their 11 hours after starting and having watched those fucking Germans score 4 times. Americans with a new found love of ‘soccer’...... fuck you Rob Green!

12 Musings on England 1 -1 USA

- Welcome to Football America. That heart in your chest, edge of your seat back's to the wall, immense pride for your team and the bliss at watching a pure sport thing you felt for 90 minutes.... I've been feeling it for 24 years. It's the greatest sport in the world. You guys were just late to the party.

- I'm not panicking.... yet. The old addage that starting a tournament slowly isn't bad is there for a reason. Remember we drew with the Swiss in '96 and Italy also drew 1-1 with USA 4 years ago before they went on to win the whole thing. the second half saw Rooney and Lampard grow in confidence, their performance wasn't great but perhaps this is a sign of better things to come.

- 6 years on and Lampard and Gerrard still don't function as a midfield unit. Gareth Barry's return to fitness can't come soon enough. His discipline, left foot and natural inclination to sit back might just free up our midfield and let them dominate.

- Wright-Phillips did nothing more or less Walcott would or wouldn't have done. His inclusion in the 23 man squad shouldn't have prompted the media outcry it did. Capello's decision not to introduce Joe Cole was a much bigger (and in my opinion incorrect) call than omitting Walcott. Cole has the ability to think outside the box, and in a game against a decent defensive outfit such as USA he would have had more impact.

- Emile Ivanhoe Heskey. Some will say Defoe would have burried that one on one, others will say Defoe wouldn't have set Gerrard up for the goal. He will continue to divide opinion. For me this is an England side that lacks the technical prowess of Spain and Brazil so the inclusion of a big lump is vital in order to play a more basic game. That's how England play best and Heskey is the best man for that job.

- USA were very good defensively and in the middle of the park. Their real test comes on Friday when they have to go out and win a game against Slovenia. Donovan and Dempsey are definite weapons but they were a little blunt today, they have the ability to qualify from this group now, they just need to show more ambition going forward.

- We knock him when he's down but let's praise him when he's good, John Terry was superb for England. I hardly noticed him, the hallmarks of a good game for a centre back.

- When it came down to it the difference was the Goalkeepers. Tim Howard is world class, Robert Green is not. Fumble aside, I never felt confident in Green on the flipside I never expected Tim Howard to drop a clanger.

- From what I've seen so far England are rightly classed in a group of maybe's alongside France, Argentina and Germany. Teams that might explode into life, but in reality will stumble through to the Quarters and drop out. This is nothing to be ashamed of, we just don't have a generation of players as talented as Spain and Brazil.

- Glen Johnson's ability to attack is perceived by many to be a weakness, today he showed that actually his natural inclination to bomb forward will probably cause opponents more damage than it will England.

- Pray for Ledley. If Carragher is our number 3 centre back then we are in trouble because whilst he is decent enough he has the turning circle of a cruise ship and the pace of steamroller.

- Steven Gerrard actually played like a captain for a large portion of the game. Let's hope Fabio can extract the best of him and keep his form and goalscoring going.

And Here We Go.....

The familiar chimes of my Blackberry alarm rung out this morning. This was no ordinary day though. Katlin rolled over ‘Happy World Cup Day’ she said, she thought that was enough. I was up and out of bed in a flash, Katlin looked at me surprised... you’re leaving already? ‘Yes, I have to set up. You can stay here until work.’ Bemused Katlin snuggled back under the covers, I had bigger fish to fry.

I listened to the Coca Cola World Cup song on repeat to psych myself up as I walked through New York. The city was awash with green as Mexicans everywhere bunked off of work to watch their side’s opener. Lord knows who was cooking the food in restaurants throughout the city.

Of course game 1 of the World Cup coincided with the penultimate rehearsal I have before Much Ado About Nothing opens on Monday. I needed to be at the rehearsal early to access the Wireless network and load up ESPN3.com which is streaming every single game.

First at the theatre I whipped out my Mac and began to search. Damn, password protected. I needed to go on a quest to seek out the maintenance man. He was nowhere to be found, was this it? Was my mission to watch every game going to fail at the first attempt!? Luckily at 9:45 in walked the Albanian man I seeked, I ensured him I wouldn’t download any porn and he gave me the password.

Website up and it was time to start streaming the game. Slow at first but manageable I was going to be alright. However just as Sepp Blatter started to speak the stream went dead and a message came up saying that the internet provider did not host the stream.... Noooooooo!

I felt like giving up, and just to make it worse they were rehearsing my scenes so I couldn’t watch anyway.

After a faultless performance, if I may say so myself, it was going to be a while before I was needed again yet the director didn’t want me running off. This was turning into a disaster.

I stepped outside for a coffee and heard the familiar buzz of vuzuvela’s. I peered into the theatre bar and there was a sight for sore eyes. Mexico v South Africa live and in glorious HD. I perched myself down and watched the remainder of the first half and all of the second.

As the game finished I headed over to the deli and discussed the game with the Mexican who made my sandwich, and what a delicious sandwich it was.

I’m settled at home now sitting in front of France v Uruguay. With regards to tomorrow, the nerves are setting in already.

The Idiots Guide to The Teams

So I compiled a handbook for my manager at work about all the teams in The World Cup. This was done a few weeks ago so injuries etc aren't so accurate. Anyways read it below and remember it was done for that Soccer loving nation, America.

The Teams

South Africa

No host country has ever failed to reach the knockout stages of a World Cup, however with Bafana Bafana playing poorly and a lack of quality players there are fears amongst the locals that they could be the first. The sound of 50,000 crazy fans backing them might just propel them through though.

Why They Will Win It - Home Support counts for a long way

Why They Won’t - They’re ranked 90th in the world for a reason

Star Man - Steven Pienaar

France

They may have booked their place in South Africa after controversially eliminating the Irish in qualifying but underestimate them at your peril. The French won it in ’98 and were runners up in ’06. They have the pedigree to be real force.

Why They Will Win It - A blend of experience and youth makes the French a potent force

Why They Won’t - The manager is batshit crazy and picks players based on their star signs

Star Man - Frank Ribery

Mexico

The football mad country has yearned for a team worthy to fit the passion of their support and many feel this young crop of players have the chance to do well under legendary manager Javier Aguire

Why They Will Win It - Flair, Pace and unpredictability make them a tough opponent

Why They Won’t - They rely heavily on striker Blanco who relies heavily on a zimmerframe

Star Man - Andres Gurdadao

Uruguay

They won the first ever tournament held in 1930 but since then it’s been disappointment after disappointment. They do however posses one of the most deadly strikers in the game in the shape of Diego Forlan.

Why They Will Win It - They play dirty but have a man who can put the ball in the net

Why They Won’t - They are notoriously bad travelers

Star Man - Diego Forlan

Argentina

Blessed with a plethora of talent the Argentinean FA decided to appoint Diego Maradonna as the man to coerce a third World Cup out of them. He has frankly done a useless job so far, limping to the finals unspectacularly. However in Lionel Messi they have the best player in the world so anything is possible.

Why They Will Win It - Very few teams come close to the firepower in the squad. Having the best player in the world also helps.

Why They Won’t - They are yet to click as a team and don’t look like threatening to do so.

Star Man - Lionel Messi

Greece

The dullest most boring football team in the competition. They won the Euro’s back in 2004 shocking the world. They did this by playing a super defensive system and 6 years on are still to stray from that style of play.

Why They Will Win It - The coach Otto Reghal has them drilled to perfection

Why They Won’t - They simply don’t score enough goals

Star Man - Sotoris Ninis

Nigeria

An African Powerhouse who always threaten to do well in World Cup’s but rarely deliver. However this time the tournament is on their home continent and they have a huge advantage.

Why They Will Win It - Always a threat, but perhaps they will finally fulfill their potential?

Why They Won’t - The squad is unbalanced with too many defensive players

Star Man - Kalu Uche

South Korea

The crazy scenes of Korean fans going mental 8 years ago will seem a long way off for this team. If they manage to advance from the group stage then they will have done exceptionally well for a nation renowned for being poor on the road.

Why They Will Win It - As they showed in ’02 never underestimate them

Why They Won’t - Their record outside of Korea is poor

Star Man - Park Ji-Sung

England

Every year is supposedly their year, however, whisper it quietly, there is a growing belief that this group of players under the genius of manager Fabio Capello could go all the way. Stars all over the pitch such as John Terry, Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard and Ashley Cole are all playing as a team. There’s also the fact that Wayne Rooney has emerged as a genuine World Class player.

Why They Will Win It - The manager has taken his pampered stars and turned them into a superb football team that fear no-one

Why They Won’t - Penalties. England have exited 3 out of the last 4 World Cup’s after losing a penalty shootout.

Star Man - Wayne Rooney

U.S.A

Finally the Yanks have put together a team capable of beating the best, as showed last summer when they triumphed over Spain. They work hard and are tough to break down defensively. Landon Donovan has proved that he is more than at home playing with the worlds best when he went on loan to Everton in the EPL this season. Throw in a genuinely world class goalie in the shape of Time Howard and American soccer fans are starting to believe. Are the rulers of the world about to dominate another sport?

Why They Will Win It - Teamwork. Quite simply these players have shown that despite a lack of ability they are willing to die for each other

Why They Won’t - Wreckless drivers. Charlie Davis, the teams top scorer, is out of the tournament after sustaining horrific injuries in a car crash

Star Man - Landon Donovan.

Algeria

Arriving at the tournament after defeating hated rivals Egypt in one of the most passionate games the sport has ever seen, the Algerians then tanked at the African Cup of Nations. They fight within the team and have just culled one of their better players for the World Cup. They seem to have no hope, however nobody gave Iran a chance against USA back in ’98 and look how that turned out!

Why They Will Win It - With the whole of the Arab world backing them they have a lot of support

Why They Won’t - They have very few good players and the cutting of Bouazza from the squad is madness

Star Man - Nadir Belhadj

Slovenia

Friendly Slovenia, lovely Slovenia, unknown Slovenia. They beat the Russians in a playoff to get here so they have something about them that’s for sure. The key for them is not to be overawed by the occasion and get on with their game which can be as effective as anyones. Remember... don’t call them Slovakia.

Why They Will Win It - They have the nicest jersey at the World Cup

Why They Won’t - The word ‘nice’ has been used far to much in their preparations

Star Man - Milivoje Novikovic

Germany

The masters of tournament football. Always there or there abouts. There is a saying that football is played for 90 minutes between two teams of 11 men and at the end of it the Germans win. Every 4 years we are told that they have a weak team and every 4 years they steamroll everybody else. They may be limited, but like their cars they are efficient and get the job done.

Why They Will Win It - Penalties. The Germans have never lost a penalty shootout

Why They Won’t - Captain and talisman Michael Ballack is injured after a horror tackle by Ghanian player Kevin-Prince Boateng whose brother Jerome Boateng plays for Germany... go figure.

Star Man - Bastien Schweinsteiger

Australia

A country more renowned for it’s love of Cricket and Rugby fell in love with football 4 years ago when the Socceroos captured the imagination of the nation. A heartbreaking last minute loss to Italy in the round of 16 has only psyched the Aussies up more. This time they promise to be less naive. The potential of meeting the old enemy England in the last 16 is something of a carrot too.

Why They Will Win It - They are fighters, as they showed 4 years ago

Why They Won’t - They lack a decent striker after fat boy Viduka called it a day

Star Man - Tim Cahill

Ghana

An African team who are a genuine threat. They are fast and athletic and have real quality all over the pitch. Arguably they posses Africa’s best chance of winning the World Cup on home soil. As with all the African teams don’t underestimate the pride these players will feel playing a World Cup on their home continent.

Why They Will Win It - Physicallity. This team are all absolute beasts

Why They Won’t - Their Goalie is third choice at Birmingham City... Ouch.

Star Man - Michael Essien

Serbia

Their first World Cup separate from Montenegro and this lot are to be underestimated at your peril. A mean defensive duo of Subotic and Vidic will make this team nigh on impossible to break down, add in the goalscoring potential of giants Zigic and Lecij and Serbia start to look like genuine contenders for a shock victory in South Africa. One to fear and avoid.

Why They Will Win It - The defense is as strong as anyone’s going to South Africa.

Why They Won’t - Inexperience could cost this potentially effective tam dear.

Star Man - Nemanja Vidic

Cameroon

Another of Africa’s leading lights. They have constantly performed well at World Cups and few can forget Roger Milla slamming in a goal aged 40 back in ’94. This time they once again posses a squad capable of achieving great things and have been handed a relatively open group. They also break the African tradition of useless goalie’s by having Carlos Kameni in goal

Why They Will Win It - They have what so many teams lack, a genuine world class striker in Samuel Eto’o

Why They Won’t - They posses a few too many players on the fringes of their club’s team’s

Star Man - Samuel Eto’o

Japan

They always qualify and they always do poorly. After a good showing in their homeland back in ’02 the Japanese reverted to type in Germany 4 years later by crashing out in the group stage, however Group E is wide open for someone to claim second place.

Why They Will Win It - They have the technology

Why They Won’t - They Don’t have the players

Star Man - Shunsuke Nakamura

Holland

The greatest team never to win a World Cup will try again in South Africa with a squad teeming with talent. Solid at the back, deadly up front and with Robin van Persie returning to fitness at just the right time coupled with the blistering form of Arjen Robben the Dutch are quite simply a team you do not want to face. On their day they will beat anyone in the world, and not just beat them, annihilate them.

Why They Will Win It - It’s their time, they have to win it eventually right?

Why They Won’t - They always always find a way to mess it up

Star Man - Wesley Sneijder

Denmark

Their greatest moment came in they won the Euro’s back in ’92, however their World Cup pedigree is not that great bar a disgusting kit worn back in the 70’s. They did however qualify easily from a tough group containing Portugal and Hungary and like many second level European teams could prove to be a tricky opponent

Why They Will Win It - Underestimation from other teams

Why They Won’t - They’re underestimated for a reason, they always seem to choke in World Cup’s

Star Man - Simon Kjaer

Italy

The defending champions have all the experience in the world, maintaining basically the same squad from 4 years ago. However that is also their weakness. This team is creaking and Inter Milan’s domestic success has come without the aid of any Italian players. But this is how the Italians like it, to be written off. Expect plenty of solid 1-0 victories on route to the final, or a hilarious dramatic collapse early on a la 2002

Why They Will Win It - This group of players know exactly what’s needed to win a World Cup

Why They Won’t - Are these the slowest defending champions ever?

Star Man - Gigi Buffon

New Zealand

The All Whites Fall into the category of ‘just happy to be here’. If they manage to score a goal chances are they will declare a national holiday. Their strike force consists of a 17 year old and a man who can’t make the Plymouth Argyle team. This will surely be used as a tool to drum up interest in the Rugby mad country back home.

Why They Will Win It - The Haka is the most intimidating moment in sport, should the football players do it as well as the Rugby team then they may just scare their way to victory

Why They Won’t - They’re really really bad.

Star Man - Ryan Nelson

Paraguay

Always at the World Cup and always achieving average to poor results. They look as though they will be doing the same again this time around, even more so after super striker spent most of the season stuck on the bench at Man City. They don’t even have a set piece taking goalie to brighten the mood anymore

Why They Will Win It - Roque Sanata Cruz is by far the best looking man in the competition, perhaps opposition defenses will let him score in the name of love.

Why They Won’t - They always just seem to give up halfway through the tournament

Star Man - Roque Santa Cruz

Slovakia

No I didn’t already do them, that was Slovenia. Slovakia are actually a tad better then their similarly named counterparts, however they are appearing in their first World Cup and will be hoping the tournament doesn’t pass them by. They will either be a must see surprise or an expectant limp dog.

Why They Will Win It - The group they are in is the easiest one in the competition. Advance and anything is possible

Why They Won’t - They lack star power

Star Man - Marek Hamsik

Brazil

They’ve won it 5 times and chances are they will make it 6. They are the only nation to ever win it on a foreign continent (twice in ’50 and ’02) so the perils of Africa won’t worry them. They are strong at the back and have peerless wing backs bombing forward. Dani Alves doesn’t even start for them! They also have the Brazil factor and always always always seem to win. Few can begrudge them though as they usually manage to do it with style and verve. As an added bonus their female supporters are usually scantily clad and smoking hot.

Why They Will Win It - So few teams come close to their talented squad they might simply just blow the competition away

Why They Won’t - The team full of stars might just fail to live up to the sum of their parts

Star Man - Kaka’

Portugal

With the Golden Generation all but gone it’s up to Cristiano Ronaldo to lead the way now. What a man to lead the way though, he is the worlds most expensive player costing Real Madrid $116 million and on his day is quite simply unstoppable. Portugal have been placed in The Group of Death and even if they do advance the chances are they could meet Iberian neighbors Spain in the next round. A great tournament isn’t beyond them but it’s going to be hard work

Why They Will Win It - Ronaldo, He’s the LeBron of football

Why They Won’t - A tough draw and an over reliance on one man

Star Man - Cristiano Ronaldo

Ivory Coast

The best African team in the competition with class all over the pitch. They must have thought this year was their chance to become the first ever African winners of the World Cup, however the saying of you have to beat the best to be the best will ring true for The Elephants as they look to battle out of the Group of Death for the second successive tournament.

Why They Will Win It - They possess the worlds greatest striker in Didier Drogba, on his day he is unplayable

Why They Won’t - A lack of depth on the squad and a tough draw

Star Man - Didier Drogba

North Korea

They haven’t qualified since 1966 and quite simply we know very little about the team due to the secretive nature of Kim Jung Il. Their games will not be shown in North Korea unless they win.... good luck with that in this group.

Why They Will Win It - In order to stave off Nuclear War the rest of the world might decide to roll over for them

Why They Won’t - The players might make a run for it once their out from under the watchful eye of The Dear Leader

Star Man - Kim Jung Il.... because he says so

Spain

Where to start with the superlatives. Spain are the best team on the planet right now, they ooze class and quality everywhere, they have the best attack, the best defense and the best midfield. A chimpanzee could manage this lot and they would still win the damn thing. On their day they are unstoppable as they proved 2 years ago when they won the Euro’s in style. Players who would waltz into other teams don’t even make the Spain squad. They have never won a World Cup.... it’s time to start believing.

Why They Will Win It - They are the best team going to South Africa

Why They Won’t - U.S.A proved last year that they can be beaten when they recorded a smash and grab 2-0 victory.

Star Man - Xavi

Switzerland

Hooray. Lovable Switzerland. Everybody loves a neutral country right? Well it seems that way after FIFA drew the Swiss in a wide open group where anyone can claim second place. They put in a good showing at the last World Cup, despite looking a bit weak up top. The draw really gives them a chance to progress in South Africa

Why They Will WIn it - Nobody has any motive to beat the Swiss, they make great chocolate and watches

Why They Won’t - They still look a little frail up top and rely on the aging Frei for goals.

Star Man - Gohkan Inler

Honduras

When Honduras qualified they declared a national holiday across the country, this is a big deal. They have also been given an ideal group, one with a Spanish flavor which is wide open. More and more Honduran players are starting to crop up in the major leagues across Europe too. They could be a team to surprise everyone

Why They Will Win It - They had 2 days of celebration when they qualified, if they won the team would probably have their pick of the countries virgins.... incentive enough.

Why They Won’t - Naivety, they don’t seem to have what it takes to do well

Star Man - Wilson Palacios

Chile

The surprise qualifiers from South America play with real flair and pazzaz. This is due in part to their manager Bielsa who is quite simply nuts. He has blended together a team of young players who beat Brazil in qualifying as well as Argentina. The coach may be know as the Mad Man but he appears to be smarter than everyone gives him credit for.

Why They Will Win It - They are young, dumb and full of.... exuberance.

Why They Won’t - They have promised so much before and deceived so badly

Star Man - Alexis Sanchez