Team of the Tournament

Now I could sit here and bore you with my World Cup XI which will look just as similar to every other pundits team. So here instead are my 11 players who have given me the most joy during the last month.

Tim Howard

Now this one is for selfish reasons. You see when I wrote out my World Cup Guide for work I made a typo and wrote ‘Time Howard’ instead of ‘Tim.’ Since then I have referred to the Yank shot stopper as Time and have grown ever so fond of him. Time is something of a national hero here, hailed as the one genuinely World Class player the US had. In a country where defensive plays regularly are hailed as ‘plays of the day’ he became an icon for the nation. Once the press over here got hold of old newspapers showing how The British papers had treated Time when his battle with turrets came to the fore they loved him even more. Then of course he had one of those ‘he’ll be disappointed with that’ moments against Ghana and everyone over here remembered The Yankees were on the other channel and that LeBron was still a free agent. Still, he looked good in Nike’s luminous orange goalie kit.

Winston Reid

C’mon, who didn’t love New Zealand? Who didn’t get emotional when the fantastically monikered Winston scored at the death to give his country their first ever points in a World Cup? Reid was just one of many Kiwi’s with a fantastic name, and an honorable mention goes to Shane Smeltz who misses out on my 11 despite having an equally great name. The sight of young Winston running shirtless towards a band of Kiwi travelers because he had just equalized against Slovakia is what the World Cup is all about.

Carlos Puyol

He’s not in here for his bullet header against the Germans, more for his actions afterwards. You see The Queen herself (the Spanish one, not ours) has made the trip to South Africa and after Spain made their first ever final she decided to make an impromptu trip to the dressing room to congratulate the lads. After what seemed like an age of awkward clapping she shook every squad members hand, but where was Puyol? Out stepped the brilliant curly hair of captain fantastic, he had just emerged from the shower and was now shaking the Queen of Spain’s hand with just a small towel hiding his modesty, he looked as untroubled by the whole thing as Germany were by England.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXDT6sptO9c

John Terry

Now let me put this out there, I think JT is an odious git. He did however produce two great World Cup moments. The first was his salmon dive during England v Slovenia prompting hoots of laughter in pubs up and down the country. The second is his now famous press conference where he self destructed and got all Lionhearted claiming he would confront Capello about his tactics. Capello then of course shot down his former captain and JT was made to look oh so stupid. The press conference itself was utterly ludicrous and is perhaps England’s only decent moment of the World Cup, providing the world with someone to laugh at.

Patrice Evra

At least England weren’t as bad as the French! We all know the story by now and by god it was entertaining. Evra was at the fulcrum of the players strike so he makes my team. As tears rolled down his cheek during the French national anthem many thought he was overcome with pride, hindsight tells us that Patrice was probably upset that France still had one more game to play after the Mexico debacle. However crazy John Terry seemed, the batshit mentallness of the French was one of the funniest things at the tournament.

Mark Van Bommel

The man with a force field around him. Immune to yellow cards. I’m not going to lie, I was disappointed when he was finally booked after committing 7000 fouls prior to his yellow card against Uruguay. It’s been a joy to watch the old man hurtle around the pitch taking out tippy tappy players and escaping scott free. It would appear referees develop Wengeritus when the Dutch play as nobody ever seems to see Van Bommel raking his studs across another players testicles.

Keisuke Honda

Purely in for the headlines ‘Honda drives Japan to victory.’ Luckily he’s a bit good as well and made a mockery of the Jubulani ball theory by tonking in as sweet a free kick as you will see against Cameroon (how bad were they!?). Also has the classic Japanese look of dyed Orange hair a la a 14 year old boy going all rebellious and using his Mum’s Sun In on his head and it not quite working. Honda was actually great to watch too and had Japan made the quarters would probably have made FIFA’s actual team of the tournament.

Siphiwe Tshabalala

He’s got to be in here really doesn’t he. A cult figure if ever there was one, scored a great goal, has a funny name and basterdized the Macarena to celebrate his goal. Also Martin Tyler actually sung his name in one of the stranger moments of ESPN’s coverage. Siphiwe also has the unique skill of playing playground football in a World Cup, shooting on sight just because he scored one good goal early on. I love him, and were his name not so long I’d have it printed on a South Africa kit.

Alex Sanchez

The World Cup offers one of the greatest joys in a football fans life, seeing players you bought on Football Manager actually play. Sanchez is one of those players. Many teams have been built around the flying Chilean in the virtual world of Football Manager, so to actually watch him play was great. He also had a touch of the Tshabalala’s about him and played a brand of playground football. He was always running into cul de sac’s but it was so fun to watch him play with such enthusiasm nobody seemed to begrudge the fact that only about 50% of everything he did came off.

Asamoah Gyan

One of the things I love about football is squad numbers. Who will wear the coveted number 10? Which keeper will get number 1? And other burning questions. So when Asamoah rocked up wearing number 3, despite him being a striker, my head almost exploded. Other than squad number tomfoolery, Gyan provided me with the outstanding moment of the World Cup, those last few minutes against Uruguay when he crashed his penalty onto the bar. He saved me $80 though, had he scored I had already convinced myself to run out and buy a Ghana shirt with Gyan 3 on the back.

Luis Suarez.

Booooooo. Everyone loves a villain and by god did we get one. If you had to look at all the players in the World Cup and pick one that looks like he could be a hate figure for an entire continent Suarez would probably have been up there with most due to his rat like features and bad skin. Before Handballgate (everything has a gate these days) little Luis was having a decent World Cup. But now he will be remembered by most for his cat like skills on the goal line and the images of him celebrating will long live on. He provided drama, debate and heartache, for that Luis I thank you.

My World Cup Highlights

We all knew this day was coming, but nothing can really prepare you for the empty hollow feeling that engulfs your body when that day finally arrives. Today was the day, the first day in 2 and a half weeks without football on T.V. Like a junkie I have been looking for a fix on the internet, outside seedy bars, on the street, hell I even tried to watch an MLS game to ease the pain but alas I am left cold and unsatisfied.
I took this as a sign that it was time to reflect so here are my personal World Cup Highlights so far.

Katlin McGrath crying when USA lost to Ghana. It wasn’t seeing Katlin upset that was so exhilarating, more the fact that she would perhaps understand my own frustration with the England team now she had been let down by this beautiful sport. I tell you something if she wants to be a QPR fan she better get used to that feeling.

One slow day during the big match that was Paraguay versus Slovakia an elderly woman suantered into the restaurant and looked at the screen for about 2 minutes. She then asked me who was playing, I told her. She paused, thought for a second before enquiring ‘What was the Israel score yesterday?’ I had to explain to her that Israel wasn’t in the World Cup. She told me that she thought it was a World Cup and that surely Israel should therefore be involved, she then decided there lack of inclusion was a glowing beacon of racism. She was so entertaining I decided not to correct and agreed with her wholeheartedly.

Working at 7am is never fun. It’s even less fun if you make no money because FIFA arranged all the glamour games to be played later in the day. So when I awoke at 6:30 to serve (I assumed) no people whilst North Korea and Portugal battled it out I wasn’t happy. I ranted and raved to the manager that nobody was coming in because it’s not like any North Koreans are allowed to leave the country. In a huff I began setting up the restaurant. I heard a tapping at the window where a small, disheveled Korean looking woman was standing. I opened the doors and she climbed up on a bar stool, surely not!? Before I knew she was joined by more Korean women and there Portuguese friends to watch the game. Kim Jung-Il must have let a couple of devotees slip under the radar.

I have, over the last couple of weeks, bonded with the back of house staff at work. The Mexican cooks, the Nigerian delivery guy and many more. However Mamadou, the Senegalese line chef has become my personal favorite. He often predicts the wrong score and always tells me England should do better, but he just bloody loves football so I bloody well love him. One slow day I found a football in a drawer at work, pulled it out and started having a kick about in the empty restaurant. Mamadou emerged from the kitchen and asked me if I played. I told him I wasn’t great, Mamadou said he hadn’t ever really played 11 a side football. He then proceeded to nick the ball off me and produce 50 kick ups on his left foot before producing another 20 on his right. He then trapped the ball passed it to me and told me to try, I managed 7. I blame the FA.

So I await Friday morning with baited breath. I have the day off as I assumed England might make it the the Quarters and am ready for more football festivities. I am of course yet to miss a game and have perfected the art of napping through the sound of a vuvuzela during some of the more laborious fixtures. Football, bloody hell.

12 Musings on England Germany

- It seems not only England players freeze in tournaments but Managers too. Capello's tactics throught the tournament have been questionable to say the least. Every man and his dog knew Germany had two superb players in Muller and Ozil who play in the hole. The decision to not play an extra midfielder from Capello was a huge mistake, to then decide not to play King (a player who has played as a defensive midfielder and might... just might have closed the hole down) ahead of Upson was an even bigger one. The selection today smacked of arrogance, and this from a fan who has been a Capello supporter from day 1.

- To hide behind the ghost goal would be foolish, England were dire today. However at 2-2 having rallied back it might have been a different game, we will never know. It's in the past now and if the players and management think they can focus on that specific flashpoint as the game changer then they are seriously offending the intelligence of the average football fan, and that's saying something.

- In 2000, 2002, 2004, 2006 and now 2010 I have watched England drop out of a major international tournament with Mr. Dylan Viner by my side. The others were all a result of glorious failure, today was just failure.

- We can only but pray this brings the curtain down on 'The Golden Generation.' This group of players just doesn't have the psyche to win a tournament. They have risen to prominence in the era of the WAG and celebrity to the point where they don't need an England win. Yes they are hurting right now, I don't doubt that, but when that cheque comes through for thousands of pounds on monday morning it might ease the pain.

- And so what next for this team and manager? Does Capello stay on or resign? Does he persist with a group of players who freeze in tournaments? Does he change captains? Does anyone have the balls to make a change?

- Let's not kid ourselves, Ghana would have beaten us too. They were fast, played 451 and worked as a team. This England group went out in exactly the fashion deserving of them, embarrassed by a better team.

- Oh for David James to have played against the US and maybe instilled some confidence from the start. His international career ends today one must think. He always did OK for England in the absence of a world class keeper. David Seaman he was not, but he was better than anyone else we tried after the mustachioed one retired.

- Wayne Rooney was so unfit it was hard to watch. I don't begrudge Man U for rushing him back from injury, they pay his wages. But had he not had blistering club and country form interrupted by injury then who knows what type of tournament he could have had. The stats speak for themselves now, 7 games in a World Cup 0 goals. Emile Heskey has scored 1.

- This is as much as a wake up call as the loss to Croatia. England played antiquated football, the kick and rush style mocked by Beckenbauer a few weeks ago. How right he was. How many times do we have to watch our centre backs hoof the ball aimlessly forward in hope rather than with a purpose. So few players looked comfortable on the ball it was embarrassing.

- Truth be told, when SWP and Heskey plodded onto the pitch we may as well have been watching a Sven led England side crash out the tournament. It's amazing to look back now and realize that the Swede managed to get the best out of this group of players far more than an Englishman or a decorated Italian could.

- Picking famous players over those that could do a job was a downfall. When Barry was obviously struggling with the pace there was nobody on the bench Capello could stick on to shore things up. Yes Scott Parker isn't a fancy name, but he might have just sat there and made some tackles. That being said the way West Ham players have performed at this World Cup you would worry.

- Joe Hart, Glen Johnson John Terry Chris Smalling Kieran Gibbs, James Milner Jack Rodwell Jack Wilshere, Adam Johnson Theo Walcott, Wayne Rooney........ See you all in Brazil (assuming we qualify)

12 musings from England v Slovenia

There’s a phrase in football called ‘show me your medals’ and Fabio Capello quite simply has the most impressive collection in the England dressing room. Today we saw why. He didn’t pander to the press and the nation calling for Joe Cole’s inclusion and Rooney alone upfront, he instead put in Milner (who would offer more protection to Johnson) and Defoe. England scored one goal today, Milner set it up and Defoe scored. Fabio I’m sure can afford a wry smile at that.

Hello Wayne Rooney, nice of you to join us. Let’s continue this improvement please because believe it or not we have a tough route to the final now and you just may be important.

So we slip into the tough half of the draw, my opinion is so what. 4 years ago the last 16 match against Ecuador was dull and dreary and not exactly memorable bar Beckham throwing up on the pitch. This time round we might face Ze Germans. Imagine.... just imagine the feeling if we beat them as oppose to limping through with a 1-0 win over Ghana. My prediction, beat Ze Germans on penalties then watch Rooney punch in the winner v Argentina.

My god John Terry is a prick of a man, but let’s get one thing straight, he and Ashley Cole (also a prick) have been our best players of the tournament so far. His salmon like dive was not only hilarious but also demonstrated that he will put his body on the line.

A doff of the cap to David James. He looked comfortable every time he was called upon and obviously inspires confidence in his back 4. Should have played against the Yanks and who knows how different our tournament would have been if he had.

Joe Cole quite frankly did nothing. I know it was a cameo and I know we shouldn’t expect too much but after the clamouring for him from the press you would have thought he was Marradona, Pele and Bobby Moore all rolled into one.

There’s going to be a hell of a lot of England flags at USA’s next game. Let’s hope they can do the old ticket switcheroonie because I’m sure very few people predicted England to come 2nd in a relatively easy group. On the subject of the Yanks, well done. Today they felt the true thrill of the greatest sport in the world. Still the lead story on ESPN was some American Footballer charged with rape. Seems that being a scumbag transcends all sports.

As usual we save our best performances for a game on BBC. It’s like the players hate adverts and love Gary ‘golf course’ Lineker. Thank god the BBC have the rights to all of England’s knock out games, phew!

Stuart Pearce is the greatest glorified cheerleader ever. He just sits there and shouts ‘C’mon England’ before whipping out his book and telling a sub to copy what Fabio drew. It’s brilliant. It’s like they gave a special needs kid the chance to sit on the bench with Fabio.

We’ve read a lot about how poor England have been but the fats speak for themselves, we have conceded one goal all tournament, a freak goal at that. This defence, despite the changes is looking pretty solid so far. My only concern is a lack of a genuine holding midfielder when we come up against better teams, oh for a fit Hargreaves. Alas Fabio has some interesting decisions to make before the next game on Sunday.

If I have to read another Arsenal fan saying not taking Theo was a mistake I’ll shoot myself. I’m a QPR fan so I know about delusions of grandeur, but if you really think Walcott could have produced the cross Milner swung over for Defoe then you are out of your mind. With Lennon and Joe Cole as impact players there, quite rightly, is no place for Theo in the squad.

Let’s hope Gareth Barry returns to full fitness fast. He tired dramatically as the game drew on and the fact we have an extra days rest ahead of Sunday might be a godsend for the most boring man on the team.

Crisis, what crisis?

Judgement day had arrived. I was up early in order to do my first nerve poo of the day, this was going to be hell. The night before I had told Katlin I was too nervous to see her, she promised not to judge me. I had thought I would be watching England with Mr. Viner, however a meeting at midday crippled that idea so I could either watch alone or take myself off to a bar to watch the game. Bar it was.

Central bar was the arena where the drama would unfold. Of course 95% of New York was watching the USA game so the England fans were huddled away in an upstairs room with a projector which semi worked. I straight away found some ‘brothers’ 6 young Jewish boys with whispy beards and England flags. I decided now wasn’t the time to discuss Zionism, we sung Three Lions instead.

Sitting next to me was a drunk Dad on holiday who had managed to steal away from the wife for a couple of hours whilst she passed the time shopping in Bloomingdales, women are so predictable. It became clear early on that he was one of those annoying beasts, a fair weather England fan, one that only comes out for the World Cup and offers such insight to the game as ‘Defend Terry!’ or ‘Just shoot Rooney.’ Thankfully the Jews knew their stuff and so to did the Liverpool fan sitting on my right. His mate had come straight out of the ‘chundered everywhare’ video and his obvious preferance for Rugby was clear. He was game however and sang a rousing chorus of God Save The Queen.

Much had been made of England wearing all red, the thing was the projector was so bad that the colors all just merged together, it was as if the bar had been engulfed by a wave of color-blindness.

Just after the anthems a Mexican man decided to stand in front of the projector looking for someone who had ordered coffee, he was promptly told to fuck off.

And so onto the game, we all know what happened, and I’ll be doing 12 musings later this afternoon, needless to say get the fuck in!

As for the Yanks they are now well and truly hooked on this ‘soccerball’ thing. The noise when Landycakes scored the winner was deafening.

For those wondering why updates have been scarcer the reason is exhaustion. I have tuned my body to wake up at 7:30 for the first game so needless to say I am delighted thos pesky early games are done with. I won’t lie to you, Slovakia v Paraguay was very hard to stay awake through!

And so the Adventure continues. It looks like The Germans are coming.... don’t mention the war.

12 Musings on England 0-0 Algeria

- In 4 years nothing seems to have changed. The team are still slow, devoid of confidence and ideas. At least Sven's lot would nick a goal in the last few minutes and g out in the quarter finals. We still pander to stars (how did Gerrard, Lampard and Rooney all stay on the pitch!?) and believe the bullshit that comes out of the players mouths during press conferences.

- The Gerrard and Lampard debate will forever continue to rage on. My take on it is this.... If you have 2 world class Goalkeepers you wouldn't shoehorn one of them into the side, you would start one and leave one on the bench. England have 2 world class attacking central midfielders who play in the same position, therefore leave on the bench and one starting. Believe me bringing Gerrard/Lampard off the bench to win a game is better than Sean Wright-Phillips.

- Luckily I have been watching this World Cup from the USA, so the coverage provided by ESPN is fair and even. Reading the BBC and ITV websites makes me sick. The dismissal of 'lesser nations' such as Algeria is rooted in the English pysche of football when it has no right to be. When Gerrard declares that this was 'Algeria's cup final' he needs a slap. Why exactly Steve? What have we achieved in 40 years to make us feared?

- Sorry Wayne but fans that travel halfway across the world and pay thousands of pounds for a once in a lifetime oppertunity to watch a World Cup game have the right to let you know you played like a cold turd. I'm sure your millions of pounds will help ease those scars from booing.

- Capello must take some of the blame as well, for what I don't know.... none of us know. Bar Carragher this was the same team that ripped Croatia a new one in September. Something behind the scenes has changed. What, nobody knows. Has Terry's captaincy being taken away made a difference? Do the players resent Carragher making the squad? Was Walcott popular? Who knows. But one thing is for sure, something has changed and it has to be addressed.

- It's almost panic stations, but not yet. Win and we get out of the group. We managed it in '86 and '98 when it really mattered. The optimistic England fan in me believes we can still do it.

- The curse of the crap player who was shunned in England has struck again. Majid Bougherra, take a bow son, superb performance at the heart of defence.

- How telling was Heskey's face when he was subbed. What more could he have done? He won everything in the air but received absolutely no support. Wayne Rooney remaining on the pitch ahead of him was an embarrassment. He will continue to be lambasted for his international record but for me Heskey is asked to do a job and promptly does it.

- Does Fabio hate Joe Cole? Does Ian Wright have naked photos of the Don? regardless I can't for the life of me fathom the former Chelsea mans complete lack of game time.

- How costly that Robert Green error looks now. A tepid draw against the Algerians on the back of a 1-0 win over USA might have been acceptable, now advancing from the group will be an achievement.

- The lack of a young wildcard in the squad greatly depresses me. Despite Germanys failings today Ozil and co still look exciting, for England there is nothing new to look forward too. Adam Johnson was an unknown quantity that could have been considered over some of the failed members of this so called Golden Generation. How uninspiring did the England squad look today when it was all laid out? Fuck even a non playing Walcott offered some form of something to hope for.

- We didn't lose. It feels like it but we didn't. Qualification is still in our own hands. All we can do for now is hope and pray and thank God we don't have to watch the most boring team of the tournament again until Wednesday.

Factoids and Elephants

Opening night is always nervous and always eventful. The day started with one thing and one thing only, football. Holland v Denmark to be more precise, the plan was to watch the first half in bed at 7:30 then place my faith in the New York Subway to make it to a bar by the theatre for the second half before nipping off to a dress rehearsal.

The first half was easy to watch and as the whistle blew to finish the end of the 45 I rushed out with my bag packed and made it to the subway station in record time, then I waited for a train.... and waited and waited. The stupid fucking N train was making me miss the Oranje labor in the heat, grrrrrr. Once the train did arrive it was packed full of commuters and businessmen, I stood out like a ore thumb with my Shakespeare script and flip-flops.

The train pulled into Times Square I shoved past an old lady and pegged it to a bar called The Irish Rogue. I expected to be greeted by a wave of Orange Dutch fans, instead I saw 3 Englishmen in faded orange and a skinny waif like Irish bartender who looked like she needed a decent meal. I started to question why I was trying to watch all the games.

After another borefest at this World Cup I skipped off to my dress rehearsal. There was one problem, it looked like I would miss Cameroon v Japan (arguably the biggest game of the tournament) so I had to make a decision, did I miss the first half of the play to watch the game (all I do is a scene change, I’m not onstage until act 2) or do I stay and make my scene change. Well it turned out I was able to do both, I was able to employ members of the cast to text me when it was time for the scene change.

So I sat in the bar with an American man who was less knowledgeable about football than my Mum. The man was a fool/ Every single point he made was ridiculous and every ‘fact’ he wheeled out was so wide of the mark it made me feel sick. The football was shit too. Thank god my phone buzzed, I legged it upstairs and made the scene change. Alas the idiot and the useless football awaited me back in the bar, so with a heavy heart I trudged back to the bar for an assault on my eyes and ears from Cameroon, Japan and America’s favorite fact-finder.

The show itself went really well, yet funnier than some of Shakespeare’s finest work were the events that occurred at the theatre below me. There was a showcase for some high school kids who couldn’t grasp the concept of keeping quiet as our show was on. The kids were great comedy value though. After their first performance a slightly heavier teenager sat on the stage and started crying because she had messed up a song. Her friend (still in the closet) minced around her trying to make her feel better but her diva ways couldn’t be cured. She thumped up the stairs like a distressed Elephant and sulked in her dressing room. She then emerged and asked us what play we were doing ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ I replied, then with a knowing smile she looked at me and said ‘Shakespeare.’ Well of course it’s Shakespeare you tubby attention seeking whore!

Anyways by all accounts she seemed happier by the end of her second performance.

Back to the football now and Katlin has taken a shine to North Korea. Maybe it’s because I forced her to watch a documentary about the country at 2 in the morning when she wanted to sleep, maybe it’s their fake Chinese fans or maybe she has a thing for Asians, time will tell.

Sir Doctor Henry Mitchell (aka Jake Wiseman) arrives in a few hours to further help me with the challenge, some medical advice will be appreciated.